Thursday, July 1, 2010

"Alphonse! take a memo..."

"Yes Lance."


"Alphonse, from now on, NO champion cyclist should EVER participate in a print or TV commercial for any good or service other than cycling equipment, or the primary sponsor of their UCI trade team."


"But why, Lance?  After all, you've done all kinds of side deal ads.  For big pharma.  Nutritional supplements nobody's ever heard of.  Even beer... but with all due respect boss, I don't really think a star athlete should endorse alcho..."

"Zip it Alphonse... you forget that I'M the Alpha male...the elder patron of the peloton, and immune to rules that govern dweebs like you."

"Besides, I'm not the first cyclist to advertise alcohol.  Anquetil plugged Champigneulles beer four decades before me.   And hell, judging by the way 'ol Maitre Jacques could put it away, he'd probably taken his fee in bottles."


"But Lance, it's sets a really bad example for the youn..."
"Oh hell, don't be a such a mamby-pamby boy scout Alphonse!   Jeez, Eddy Merckx advertised cigarettes for chrissakes."

"What's the world coming to when the Tour's greatest champion can't make an honest buck plugging a little low cal beer?"

"Besides, there was some killer talent running around at that Michelob Ultra shoot... I even scored a few phone numbers..."
"No, my little endormorph peon friend, the reason this all has to stop right now is that as self declared peloton puppet master, I've realized that cyclists look pretty dorky in plain clothes, and are awkward outside their natural millieu.  And you can forget TV.  They can't act... unless of course it's at a WADA tribunal."

"This cash-chasing madness all started when Pontiac wrist-watches exploited maillot jaune Wim Van Est's fall into a ravine off the Aubisque back in 1951.

Those ad hacks made him say "My heart stood still, but not my Pontiac."

Look at this ad, the poor guy just fell 200 feet.  Shameful.  No flippin dignity.  I say no more."   




"From now on, pro cyclists will only appear in publicity wearing their team kit, and on a postcard."  



"Or maybe in a nice print ad plugging personal care products like hair spray or razor blades...


"No Alphonse.  Just their team kit, on a postcard"


"How about smiling, and holding a nice pack of breath-freshening chewing gum like Bobet and Merckx did..."













"IN TEAM KIT...ON A POSTCARD"







"But what about a cozy cameo at home with the vrouw, endorsing pastry? Or a washing machine?  Garden fertilizer?  Or maybe even that nice little home sauna that no euro-home should be without..?  

"And look where all that got Freddy Maertens.  No Alphonse, a cyclist should ONLY endorse bike S*&$.  Chinese-made carbon that will be bought by a fat wannabe roadie in an independent bicycle retailer -- or online to save 2%.


He should be photographed on a 41 degree January day, in either Mallorca, the Costa Blanca, or the Cote d'Azur.


He needs to be wearing his summer short sleeve jersey. and be climbing out of the saddle on a clean new team bike.  He should still have a little extra fat, winter white skin, and goosebumps.  The card can have the sponsors logo.  But that's it."

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